Who dare cast the first stone?

Before you judge my writing to quickly, or should I rather say, before I judge My writing too quickly there is something I need to tell you. English isn't my first language and it's only been 7 years since I learned how to speak it fluently. If you imagine a child growing up in an English household learning to speak from the age of two, my English theoretically equals to that of a 9 year old. Considering I know a few BIG words (ostentatious, whimsical, dariole, nyotalpia and of course I know the meanings) this improves my verbal and written age considerably. I would say 18, 19 are good numbers? What do you think? What age do you think my English grey matter is? Please try not to burst my bubble. Be kind, OK!

Bearing all of this in mind, there are always room for improvement. This is the only time I wish I was "older." Therefore I'm pretty pleased to announce that I have committed myself to one year of studying Creative Writing at the Open University. After studying 5 years at University level, I'm rather tired, but what the heck. I'm only 30 and I really, really, really want to write. REALLY!

I = Procrastinate

I = Procrastinate. Procrastinate = Me

Procrastinate is defined by Dictionary.com as "To defer action; delay or to put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness." Procrastinate is something I do well. For example, my dearest, darling sister-in-law (and no, you didn't catch a hint of sarcasm, I love her to bits) is visiting me (ok, us) this weekend and if you read my earlier post on the cleanliness of my kitchen floor you would understand if I tell you I simply HAD to paint the bedroom she'll be sleeping in. You have got no idea the kind of mess I am talking about. I could see TWO different colours beneath the creamy layer of paint. And it's not the earthy, neutral colours I have chosen for the linen. Go figure, blue and purple. It's bad enough that I have to deal with a blue carpet.

Make no mistake. Colour makes my heart sing, but then it must be applied by someone who knows the do's and don'ts of colour matching. I'm no fundi, but I do know when something looks awful. To the previous and previous-previous owners: money cannot buy you style!!!!

I had three quiet weeks to paint this room. And I'm ashamed to admit that I only started the painting process this morning. And all just because I procrastinate. When will I ever learn that it doesn't pay off? It's like a sore tooth you refuse to have pulled only because you are too lazy or scared to visit the dentist. It's going to hurt doesn't matter which why you decide to go.

I'm glad to say the painting job is almost done.

That said, the only reason why I'm writing this post is because of procrastination. I've been procrastinating about writing. Period. It's something I so terribly want to do, but because my inner critic is beating, kicking and drowning every sentence, I just can't get myself to pick up a pen and write. So there you have it. This is my post to get out of this terrible habit, rut, laziness or just plain fear, which ever way you choose to see it.

PS: This is normally the part where I promise you and myself I'm going to write a little everyday. This is also the part where I bite my tongue for putting myself in a position where I have to deliver on my promise. Nevertheless, maybe I should try.

I pretend...

it doesn't hurt.

I pretend I don't care.

I answer the questions untruthfully and with a smile.

I keep my tears for my solitary pillow.

Icky, Yucky, Grimy, Slimy stuff (Not exactly Sublime Rapture!)

We’ve just moved into a new house and recently I had a good look at my kitchen floor and realized that even though I’ve been washing it, there are really bad grime spots. I’ve known they are there but always thought that it will come clean with the washing. I’m not particularly one for scrubbing on my knees. But I realized very quickly this floor is not going to get clean. So I used diluted bleach according to instructions. Still, nothing. Do you know I had to use PURE UNDILUTED F*ing bleach to lift the grime? 1 liter of bleach, 1 mop and 1½ hours later and I still didn’t finish the floor. The mop gave in first. The bleach would’ve been second. And my lungs are very unhappy with me, even though I opened up all the windows. I’m convinced that the previous owners never washed this damn floor. And I really mean NEVER. We get these nifty floor wipes that you put under your mop and clean your floors with and it’s really quick. I’m flabbergasted. I will apparently see them soon and I tell you I’m hiding…I’m not home…I’ve lost myself in a safe, grime-free, germ-free, crap-free and prettily painted corner of my mind (if you find me please send me home). It’s just that I’m worried I’m going to say something horrible and I want to avoid an upsetting conversation with them.

It is hard work cleaning the house, but the basics takes me 3 hours/day (please consider I’m cleaning a rather large house for two people and I really wasn’t made for ironing). And I'm one of those few disturbed people who is pedantic enough to use a toothbrush to clean hard-to-reach places. I know, I need to get a life. Ok, I feel better….No wait…, wait……NAH I'm OK.

I’m sure the bleach got to me and disturbed my otherwise well behaved self, so I’m going to say goodbye before I write something stupid.

See the difference between the light and dark? You can still see the splashes from the bleach. Eewwee!

My poor, poor mop. It didn't last very long!

Beautiful Rain

Despite a disturbed night, listening to the blinds rattling while I'm drowning in the knowledge that my windows are supposed to seal tight enough not to let a breath of air through, I'm up early. It's raining and I have to stop myself from going outside and let the pearly rain drops wash over me.

My heart becomes giddy with glee and excitement takes up residence which sometimes leaves just as eagerly.

Rain nourishes me. It slows me down and keeps me inside where it's warm and cosy. It cools down the earth in summer, feeds the plants when they're thirsty and cleans them to help them breathing. The biggest blessing of all is, every time it rains God is smiling down on me. His special words to me are:

"Here my child, these pearly rain drops are just for you. I give you live. I want what's best for you. I give this rain to the plants and animals so they may feed you and give you pleasure when you look outside onto your garden and the fields. I let it wash over the earth to feed and clean it, so you may live. I give you rain, to slow you down. You're to hasty, slow down. Take time to notice the beauty and glamor of nature after the rains. Slow down, take notice, you're too busy."

This is my blessing. This is Sublime Rapture.

Rollercoaster from Hell

We all experience a rollercoaster of emotions during our lifetime. For some it’s the kind they can semi-comfortably sit through without blinking an eye. And others have to hold on for dear life.

Dana wrote in her blog Sublimation the following:

(Do you feel like you are on a rollercoaster ride with me yet? If so, you now know exactly how I have been feeling since I saw my doctor Saturday. This is not a good rollercoaster to be on. I think everyone should get off at the next stop. I know I want off. I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to realize this was all just been a really long, emotional and oddly detailed dream.)

Life is full of ups and downs and it's entirely up to us to choose the best way to handle these situations. We want to stop the earth from spinning so we can get off, but ultimately we have to face our problems and fears with a brave face. Some rollercoasters are worse than others and most of the humans inhabiting our planet seem to cope pretty OK. The lucky ones have wonderful and healthy ways of dealing with situations while others choose the path (or various paths) of "least resistance" (They may seems easy at first, but so hard to break free from.) By that I mean the different forms of addiction many people suffer from. Might it be alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling or food. For myself, I use reading, reading and more reading as a coping mechanism. Some days I might add some writing (and bad at that) in there too, like today. But what about those unfortunate people who chooses the path of addiction or suicide? Does it make them weaker than the rest of us?

I’m not sure about the answer, but I’m inclined to think that such a person just has a different frame of reference than the rest of us. I always wonder how terrible someone’s life must be for them to believe that their only way out is suicide. How low and for how long must that rollercoaster dip for it to be so dark and lonely? And aren’t roller coasters supposed to be built mostly high up in the sky?

I'm not sure I will ever know the answer. All I can tell you is that my cousin decided to take his own life today. The last I heard was that he was unsuccessful and still alive. Should we be happy that he was unsuccessful? It’s another answer that eludes me, and it’s not that I don’t think his life is valuable. Right now, I just feel terribly sorry for him (which he’ll probably hate), I feel compassion for him and I want to know what happened that made him believe his only option was to shoot himself. What kind of life will he have knowing that he tried, he failed and now he has to face his community with a brave face he didn’t have to start off with? With all my heart I hope and pray that something good and miraculous comes from this and that he makes a turnaround that will make our heads spin.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see the shadow.” – Helen Keller

In Good Time

I'm very much a person who struggles with "delayed gratification." If I get an idea in my head, I want it done and yesterday would've been a perfect day for it. Books, poetry (which I'm only getting into now) reading and writing is my way of slowing down, taking a step back and escape from whatever is chasing me.

Here are a few quotes I find meaningful:

"Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who by accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you." - St Augustine

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for." - Epicarus

"Some of the shells that wash up on the beach were once beautiful. We don't know what kind of journey thay had to take to get them in their fragile condition. The same is true for people. Be kind." Linda Gifford

"There is nothing in caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." Richard Buckminster Fuller