Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Dana's muddy soul-prints!

If you haven't met Dana, I suggest you switch off your mobile, pack chocolates, coffee (an absolute must) and water. No fire or blankets needed. She will warm your soul. You can snuggle up next to the roaring fire that her blog is.

She will show you what true beauty is. Not only what it is, but what it's made of. The pure raw material and the final, poignant product. If I have to describe the soul-prints she's has left in my heart I will use words such as: Yes, sublime would definitely be there, humble, striking, heart-warming, loving, sad, gracious, generous, moving, delicious, sensual, ravishing, extraordinary and passionate. I could go on...

When we willingly allow someone into our lives, they leave footprints in our hearts. Some, and only a few, leave soul-prints like muddy footprints on a carpet. Sadly, they are very seldom thanked for these enjoyable muddy prints they leave behind. And if you think that mud is all bad, think again. You can't grow lotus flowers without mud, now can you?

Dana carries mud (by the bucket-load) into my clinical, cleanly swept environment. I've learned that my cleanly swept abode and torturous perfectionism is not going to get me anywhere. I need some form of chaos to be more creative, to be more me! I need her muddy soul-prints to grow my own lotus flowers. That's why I've got a (cleanly swept) spot close to the fire. But she is teaching me not to concern myself too much with the leaves and dust floating around. I must let them be.

Brilliant musicians and even moderately good musicians nearly always get standing ovations after a performance. This is my ovation to Dana. I can't give her a standing applause, however, I admit she has me often on the edge of my seat, ready to give her the standing ovation she deserves.

I suggest strongly that you give her a visit. Oh and take some lotus flowers with. You would want to give it to her, I guarantee you!

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Scribbles of Wisdom

"A mind that is stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimension."

~ Oliver Wendell Homes

"You wouldn't be a writer if reading hadn't enriched your soul more than other pursuits."

~ Anne Lamott

"To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee. One clover and a bee, and reverie. The reverie alone will do, if bees are few."

~ Emily Dickinson

"It's only with the heart that we see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eyes."

~ Antoine De Saint-Exupery

(PS: What is very interesting about this quote is that the words have been used in a song called "Weekend" by Scooter (Dance). The words have been scrambled slightly in the song and goes as follow "What is essential?It's invisible to the eye! It's only with the heart that you can see rightly." Not the kind of song you would expect to see these insightful words. When you listen to the song, you'll understand.)

Where two currents meet

Have you noticed how the water swirls and crashes where two currents meet? Waves collide with waves and there is a lucid wisp of mist drifting over the seething surf and deep blue waters. Occasionally you notice a quiet and calmness that catches you off guard and you wonder where this sudden stillness is coming from. Only to be rudely, untimely but expectedly interrupted by the next submersion of crashing waves.

My soul is where two currents meet. Water flowing against water. A force fighting against a force equal to its own. I'm dispersed while spinning like a top through nothing more but air, and I beg you to let me down, so I can find a warm, safe dwelling to rest my soul. I want a change in weather and wind and for the moon to turn on its side to allow me to return to my sublunary world . Just for a short while. I'll be happy with minutes, even seconds. Nothing more. Just a little solace from this madness.

The quietness I desire is far out of reach. Close enough for a glimpse, but with it's fancy footwork escapes my keen embrace.

Saturday, 21 July 2007

TSA to lift ban on flying with cigarette lighters

Who thinks this is an interesting development? I can think of quite a few ways to make flying unsafe with a lighter. Frankly, this makes no difference to me! Terrorists will always find a way to do harm, but really if they are concerned about safety, maybe letting miniature flames back on the plane isn't necessarily a good idea. They can rather give me my lotions and potions back. Especially those that only comes in 120ml (4 1/4 oz) instead of 100ml (3 oz).

Friday, 20 July 2007

It breaks my heart....

...every time I hear or read about abortions. What I really struggle to understand is how easily it is for a mother-to-be to consent to remove a small helpless child from a her womb to crush or cut his/her head to kill it.

"BATON ROUGE, Louisiana - Louisiana became the first American state Friday to outlaw a controversial abortion procedure that involves partially removing the fetus intact from a woman's uterus, then crushing or cutting its skull to complete the abortion."

I'm heaving as I'm writing this. I don't understand. It saddens my heart and I'm sure Gods' heart e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e t.i.m.e some irresponsible woman decides to kill/murder their own child.

People are unbelievably and devastatingly irresponsible!

Now listen to me! If you are going to have unprotected sex with someone you will only get one of two things. STD's or a baby. Get it in your heads!!!! Or are you stupid????? And for your sake I hope it's a nasty, wild and a persistent STD.

Friday, 29 June 2007

Bird by Bird

The books that sailed the seas to my front door arrived today. 5 days earlier than expected. Isn’t that awesome? “Bird by bird” by Anne Lamott is one of the books sprawled over my desk, thanks to Amazon. Mere touch tells me this book contains hidden treasures just for me. Treasures I haven’t even dreamed of. Oh, I can’t wait to dig my nails in to uncover them.

On the back cover she wrote this: “Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to a get report written that he had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arms around my brother’s shoulder and said, ‘Bird by bird buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’”

These beautiful words brought two things to mind. Unfortunately these two thoughts are on the opposite side of the spectrum. My first thought was, why couldn’t my parents understand that I had to make mistakes to grow and learn life‘s lessons. Instead of been given this loving response, I was nearly always rebuked. Stressing out is what I did (do) best. That itself was punishment enough. I remember so well all the times I was rebuked for something, stressed about it, needed support, and when the results came, I got reprimanded all over again. The entire, lengthy speech was repeated.

My second thought was far more pleasant as it involves something I’m striving to be. I want to be the kind of parent that will do what Anne’s father so lovingly did. It takes a special person to realize that he (Anne’s brother) had already learned his lesson and what he needed was support. At the age of ten you cannot expect a child to have the same degree of responsibility of an adult. Lessons are valuable and so darn necessary, so is support. I can gladly say today that I’m married to a wonderful husband who is entirely selfless when it comes to my need for support. I’ve seen him do many things most women only dream their husbands would do. He is not without his faults, otherwise he wouldn’t be human.

I married a gem. A bright, sparkly, shinny, and extremely precious gem.

I’ve made many mistakes, but the learning process got diverted and I didn't get the opportunity learn the lesson appropriate to the mistake. All I learned was that if something isn’t perfect or done correctly that I can only expect hardship and suffering. I even managed to so wrongly believe that if I do something wrong I will be punished every time and that forgiveness doesn’t exist. I’m still reminded of many things I did wrong. I wish I could say that these brief 'mentionings' are done in a loving, caring and humorous spirit, but alas.

Today, I carry with me this debilitating fear which origin is mainly unknown. I wish I could stuff it in a box and send it packing, but it always escapes me and bite me in the ass when I turn my back.

Love can heal this fear. And only I can tap into the kind of love that exists somewhere in abundance. My husband’s love for me is food for my soul, but the love I need so desperately is water for my soul. And right now, I’m parched.

Thursday, 28 June 2007

Who dare cast the first stone?

Before you judge my writing to quickly, or should I rather say, before I judge My writing too quickly there is something I need to tell you. English isn't my first language and it's only been 7 years since I learned how to speak it fluently. If you imagine a child growing up in an English household learning to speak from the age of two, my English theoretically equals to that of a 9 year old. Considering I know a few BIG words (ostentatious, whimsical, dariole, nyotalpia and of course I know the meanings) this improves my verbal and written age considerably. I would say 18, 19 are good numbers? What do you think? What age do you think my English grey matter is? Please try not to burst my bubble. Be kind, OK!

Bearing all of this in mind, there are always room for improvement. This is the only time I wish I was "older." Therefore I'm pretty pleased to announce that I have committed myself to one year of studying Creative Writing at the Open University. After studying 5 years at University level, I'm rather tired, but what the heck. I'm only 30 and I really, really, really want to write. REALLY!

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

I = Procrastinate

I = Procrastinate. Procrastinate = Me

Procrastinate is defined by as "To defer action; delay or to put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness." Procrastinate is something I do well. For example, my dearest, darling sister-in-law (and no, you didn't catch a hint of sarcasm, I love her to bits) is visiting me (ok, us) this weekend and if you read my earlier post on the cleanliness of my kitchen floor you would understand if I tell you I simply HAD to paint the bedroom she'll be sleeping in. You have got no idea the kind of mess I am talking about. I could see TWO different colours beneath the creamy layer of paint. And it's not the earthy, neutral colours I have chosen for the linen. Go figure, blue and purple. It's bad enough that I have to deal with a blue carpet.

Make no mistake. Colour makes my heart sing, but then it must be applied by someone who knows the do's and don'ts of colour matching. I'm no fundi, but I do know when something looks awful. To the previous and previous-previous owners: money cannot buy you style!!!!

I had three quiet weeks to paint this room. And I'm ashamed to admit that I only started the painting process this morning. And all just because I procrastinate. When will I ever learn that it doesn't pay off? It's like a sore tooth you refuse to have pulled only because you are too lazy or scared to visit the dentist. It's going to hurt doesn't matter which why you decide to go.

I'm glad to say the painting job is almost done.

That said, the only reason why I'm writing this post is because of procrastination. I've been procrastinating about writing. Period. It's something I so terribly want to do, but because my inner critic is beating, kicking and drowning every sentence, I just can't get myself to pick up a pen and write. So there you have it. This is my post to get out of this terrible habit, rut, laziness or just plain fear, which ever way you choose to see it.

PS: This is normally the part where I promise you and myself I'm going to write a little everyday. This is also the part where I bite my tongue for putting myself in a position where I have to deliver on my promise. Nevertheless, maybe I should try.

Sunday, 24 June 2007

I pretend...

it doesn't hurt.

I pretend I don't care.

I answer the questions untruthfully and with a smile.

I keep my tears for my solitary pillow.

Friday, 15 June 2007

Icky, Yucky, Grimy, Slimy stuff (Not exactly Sublime Rapture!)

We’ve just moved into a new house and recently I had a good look at my kitchen floor and realized that even though I’ve been washing it, there are really bad grime spots. I’ve known they are there but always thought that it will come clean with the washing. I’m not particularly one for scrubbing on my knees. But I realized very quickly this floor is not going to get clean. So I used diluted bleach according to instructions. Still, nothing. Do you know I had to use PURE UNDILUTED F*ing bleach to lift the grime? 1 liter of bleach, 1 mop and 1½ hours later and I still didn’t finish the floor. The mop gave in first. The bleach would’ve been second. And my lungs are very unhappy with me, even though I opened up all the windows. I’m convinced that the previous owners never washed this damn floor. And I really mean NEVER. We get these nifty floor wipes that you put under your mop and clean your floors with and it’s really quick. I’m flabbergasted. I will apparently see them soon and I tell you I’m hiding…I’m not home…I’ve lost myself in a safe, grime-free, germ-free, crap-free and prettily painted corner of my mind (if you find me please send me home). It’s just that I’m worried I’m going to say something horrible and I want to avoid an upsetting conversation with them.

It is hard work cleaning the house, but the basics takes me 3 hours/day (please consider I’m cleaning a rather large house for two people and I really wasn’t made for ironing). And I'm one of those few disturbed people who is pedantic enough to use a toothbrush to clean hard-to-reach places. I know, I need to get a life. Ok, I feel better….No wait…, wait……NAH I'm OK.

I’m sure the bleach got to me and disturbed my otherwise well behaved self, so I’m going to say goodbye before I write something stupid.

See the difference between the light and dark? You can still see the splashes from the bleach. Eewwee!

My poor, poor mop. It didn't last very long!

Beautiful Rain

Despite a disturbed night, listening to the blinds rattling while I'm drowning in the knowledge that my windows are supposed to seal tight enough not to let a breath of air through, I'm up early. It's raining and I have to stop myself from going outside and let the pearly rain drops wash over me.

My heart becomes giddy with glee and excitement takes up residence which sometimes leaves just as eagerly.

Rain nourishes me. It slows me down and keeps me inside where it's warm and cosy. It cools down the earth in summer, feeds the plants when they're thirsty and cleans them to help them breathing. The biggest blessing of all is, every time it rains God is smiling down on me. His special words to me are:

"Here my child, these pearly rain drops are just for you. I give you live. I want what's best for you. I give this rain to the plants and animals so they may feed you and give you pleasure when you look outside onto your garden and the fields. I let it wash over the earth to feed and clean it, so you may live. I give you rain, to slow you down. You're to hasty, slow down. Take time to notice the beauty and glamor of nature after the rains. Slow down, take notice, you're too busy."

This is my blessing. This is Sublime Rapture.

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Rollercoaster from Hell

We all experience a rollercoaster of emotions during our lifetime. For some it’s the kind they can semi-comfortably sit through without blinking an eye. And others have to hold on for dear life.

Dana wrote in her blog Sublimation the following:

(Do you feel like you are on a rollercoaster ride with me yet? If so, you now know exactly how I have been feeling since I saw my doctor Saturday. This is not a good rollercoaster to be on. I think everyone should get off at the next stop. I know I want off. I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to realize this was all just been a really long, emotional and oddly detailed dream.)

Life is full of ups and downs and it's entirely up to us to choose the best way to handle these situations. We want to stop the earth from spinning so we can get off, but ultimately we have to face our problems and fears with a brave face. Some rollercoasters are worse than others and most of the humans inhabiting our planet seem to cope pretty OK. The lucky ones have wonderful and healthy ways of dealing with situations while others choose the path (or various paths) of "least resistance" (They may seems easy at first, but so hard to break free from.) By that I mean the different forms of addiction many people suffer from. Might it be alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling or food. For myself, I use reading, reading and more reading as a coping mechanism. Some days I might add some writing (and bad at that) in there too, like today. But what about those unfortunate people who chooses the path of addiction or suicide? Does it make them weaker than the rest of us?

I’m not sure about the answer, but I’m inclined to think that such a person just has a different frame of reference than the rest of us. I always wonder how terrible someone’s life must be for them to believe that their only way out is suicide. How low and for how long must that rollercoaster dip for it to be so dark and lonely? And aren’t roller coasters supposed to be built mostly high up in the sky?

I'm not sure I will ever know the answer. All I can tell you is that my cousin decided to take his own life today. The last I heard was that he was unsuccessful and still alive. Should we be happy that he was unsuccessful? It’s another answer that eludes me, and it’s not that I don’t think his life is valuable. Right now, I just feel terribly sorry for him (which he’ll probably hate), I feel compassion for him and I want to know what happened that made him believe his only option was to shoot himself. What kind of life will he have knowing that he tried, he failed and now he has to face his community with a brave face he didn’t have to start off with? With all my heart I hope and pray that something good and miraculous comes from this and that he makes a turnaround that will make our heads spin.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see the shadow.” – Helen Keller

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

In Good Time

I'm very much a person who struggles with "delayed gratification." If I get an idea in my head, I want it done and yesterday would've been a perfect day for it. Books, poetry (which I'm only getting into now) reading and writing is my way of slowing down, taking a step back and escape from whatever is chasing me.

Here are a few quotes I find meaningful:

"Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who by accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you." - St Augustine

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for." - Epicarus

"Some of the shells that wash up on the beach were once beautiful. We don't know what kind of journey thay had to take to get them in their fragile condition. The same is true for people. Be kind." Linda Gifford

"There is nothing in caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." Richard Buckminster Fuller

Saturday, 21 April 2007

A Lost Sense

I was going to post a list of quotes that I recently found and that I feel explains certain aspects of life much better than I can. However, I have written articles (not entirely the right word) over a year ago that needs to be dusted and displayed. I'm not claiming to be a writer, nor a good writer, but it's serves as entertainment for me, at least. Here goes.

A Lost Sense

“An oil massage, a hot bath, a good night’s sleep, soft smells and music and clothes with soft textures denote sensuality to me.”
- Padma Lakshmi-

Sensuality for every one has a different meaning. For me sensuality can be found in the simple things in life. We often refer to the best part of a day in a singular way. My day consist of many “best parts”. Nothing in the world can come close to the welcoming smell of my house. And some may think it strange, but my day looks extremely cheerful after that first cuddle with my husband and I have submerged myself in his natural fragrance. It’s so easy to get lost in this world without our senses. I often find myself lost and saddened by this wicked world. Even though I bluntly refer to our world as wicked, I thoroughly believe that the way we perceive the world is up to us. I therefore may sound like a hypocrite calling our world wicked, but while I acknowledge reality, which in many cases is brutal and wicked; I also like to acknowledge the beauty that surrounds us everyday.

The reality is that beauty can be found everywhere and anywhere. When last did you look outside your window when it’s raining? Many people detest the rain. For me, it’s a wonderful and incredible experience. While we are trying to take cover under the smallest umbrella or running to ensure we don’t get drenched, we should try and walk as slowly as possible and breathe in deeply to catch the smell of rain (have you seen the beautiful disturbances in your pool as the rain comes down?). Anyway, the faster you walk, the wetter you’ll get. So while you are trying to stay as dry as possible, take a moment and inhale the fragrance of life-giving rain.

The olfactory sense in the sense that is least used. Olfactory denotes smell, our most acute sense. The wonder of the olfactory sense is that it connects us with our long-term memories. The smell of home-baked rusks may take you back to your grandma’s kitchen and the smell of a certain perfume will remind you of a good friend.

It’s interesting to know that our olfactory sense can assist us with learning new skills. Peppermint has shown to be very effective during a learning session. Some even say you should use mints while learning a new program and use chocolates when studying new regulations (

Make the most of your senses by adding various spices and herbs to different meals. Not only will it add flavour to your meals, but using the same flavouring time and again will lead to olfactory adaptation or fatigue. This occurs when there is a constant stimulation to the sensory systems. The senses eventually become “deaf” to the certain smells.

We even use our senses when we talk and describe things. You must have heard of “the sweet smell of success” or “I smell a rat”? In essence our subconscious mind is informing us, through our senses, that something is good or that something is wrong. Maybe it’s time we take a break, hone our senses and make use of this wonderful survival kit we were handed.

Much research has been done to determine the physiological reaction to certain “non-fragrant” odours of other people. You may have experienced it by walking into a room and instantaneously taken a dislike in someone, without interacting with that person. It’s the same when you instantaneously taken a like in a person. That’s what we call pheromones. You’ve never heard of pheromones?

Every human have pheromones specific to them and they are our sexual scent of attraction. This topic has been debated for many years and there are still more questions than answers. It’s been said that it is the reason many people fall head-over-heels love with someone they hardly know. If you are still looking for the love of your life, maybe it’s time you take a long good sniff.

Maybe you should make it your task for one day to see how many different smells you come across in one day. Take a good sniff at the clothes you are currently wearing or the clothes you had on the previous day. You might be surprised with the pleasant smell of some of the combinations.

When you walk past a restaurant, canteen or kitchen, try to name all the different food smells. And then there are the plants and trees in your garden that needs some attention. And next time it rains, don’t rush indoors to save your hairdo and makeup; taking a good breath of fresh, rain air is worth the ruined hairdo and makeup.

Friday, 20 April 2007

The Meaning of Life

I have always questioned and wondered about the meaning of life. Somewhere during 2004 I wrote in a note book the following:

"I'm searching for a deeper meaning of life, but more life!"

It took 3 years of searching before I came across Dr. Victor Frankl's book 'Man's Search for Meaning.' Dr. Frankl was a prisoner in Auschwitz Concentration camp and other camps where "he found himself stripped to naked existence." He wrote the following:

"We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.

These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way. Questions about the meaning of life can never be answered by sweeping statements. "Life" does not mean something vague, but something very real and concrete, just as life's tasks are also very real and concrete. They form man's destiny, which is different and unique for each individual. No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny.

When I read this, I didn't feel the earth move under my feet, but I felt peace and calm. I finally feel like I can live in the present, give my attention to daily and hourly tasks, knowing that the meaning of my life is constantly changing and there is no set meaning. It makes living in the present finally do-able.

Just a Notion

"There are times in everyone's life when we come to the edge of all the light we think we have and find we must take a step into the darkness of the unknown.

There are two notions at this point we must believe: Either we will find something firm to stand on or we will be taught to fly." - Author Unknown